Wimp to Spartan Transformation: Lacrosse ball torture is real

Spartan Crossfit Wimp to Spartan 9 from Peter Murphy on Vimeo.

In preparation for the Beast, Shane lead me in some stretching out exercises, and handstand training.  I must however clarify what I mean by “stretching out.”  I don’t mean the figure-4 stretch, or stretching out my calves.  I mean using a very simple Lacrosse ball to “really get in there and massage those muscles.”  Yes, Shane said that, and yes, it was as creepy as one might think. 

We started with my feet.  I know I have discussed how I feel about feet on this blog before, but let me remind you.  I hate them so much that I pretend I don’t have them.  I don’t really know if I have a fear of them or if I’m simply repulsed by them.  I’m also convinced that my love of shoes stems from my need to hide my own feet from my eyes.  Shane also knew about my relationship with feet, and insisted that I start by punishing them with the lacrosse ball.  I’d like to add that after doing so, the same ball that did the hanky-panky with my foot was used on other muscle groups.  Repulsive.

We did some foam rolling of the calves and legs.  I have NO idea why I look so happy doing it in the video.  This hurt.  It hurt so badly that I thought I’d cry.  This is what I would imagine being run over by a steam roller would feel like, but upside down.  This is also why I’ll never understand why people pay oodles of money for a deep tissue massage.  (Sir, if I pay you one eighth of my New York City rent, do you promise to pulverize me with your strong man-hands?)  I just don’t understand.

We then went back to the lax ball and used it on my glutes, which we call “my butt” on the Upper East Side.  That was way less painful than the foam rolling of calves, hence the pouty face.  We carried on with more foam rolling/ steam rolling of the legs.  I won’t bore you with any more endless play-by-play, but I need you to know how painful this was for someone who had never done it before.  Feel bad for me, please.  Many thanks.

And then there were handstands.  I LOVE handstands.  I had such a blast doing them.  I’m not sure if the entertainment came from all the blood rushing to my head, but whatever it was, I fell in love.  I will do them in my living room, now that I know how to do them.  Also, after every handstand, I intend to do that absolutely horrendous celebratory dance that Murph put at the end of this video, and I will do it in the slow-mo speed as shown. 

So, to recap a post too short to require a recap, I tortured myself and did handstands.  Productive day!