Wimp to Spartan Transformation: LIKE OMG I CAN’T MOVE

Spartan Crossfit Wimp to Spartan 2 from Peter Murphy on Vimeo.

So this week, I decided to a) not blowdry my hair—good decision on my part and b) pretend like I was a TV host and pose a question to the audience. Now that THAT is done, and I’m regretting that flimsy spark of genius, I’d like someone to please validate me by picking a name for that wall: Real-World wall, realer than Real-World wall, realest world wall or more real than real-world wall. This wall is where we talk about my feelings before and after each work out (unless it’s raining), and where at the end of this episode, I try to make fun of Real World, but totally fail and just come off like a dope.

The warm-up workout consisted of pull-ups, lunges and running. Shane showed off doing pull-ups, and then tied me to the pull-up bar with the single largest office supply I’ve ever seen. I loved the thick green rubber band, because it enabled me to do pull-ups, which maked me feel, in a small way, herculean. Also, can we take a moment and envision the hilariousness of the body rubber band gun?

The lunges were fine. I used to do them for what seemed like hours around the pool for dry-land. Then there was running. I must admit to you that this is the first time I’ve seen myself run. And I’ve drawn the following conclusion: I run like a confused whale that spontaneously sprouted legs, found herself in Brooklyn, and tried to run away. This is what I noticed. I MUST work on my form.

Let’s move on to the part of the video in which I look like a badass: the back squats. I’m in love with those huge weights. For non-crossfit people, like I was before, I’m sure that enormous rubber wheel looks super heavy. That thing is only ten pounds! The deception is truly stunning. Any still shots of this video would make me look like I could back squat Shoulders. I did notice that I have wobbley knees, which Shane keeps reprimanding me for… I must work on that.

Okay, the next part of this video, we’re talking business: The 10-1/ 1-10.

The 10-1/ 1-10 exercise almost killed me. This was the birth of the actual grunting, which I have no doubt will continue as I lift heavier objects and feel more like a Neanderthal. I had to do, as Shenanigans explains in the video, 10 kettlebell lifts, and one elevated pushup, followed by 9 kettlebell swings and 2 elevated pushups, and so on and so forth. That shizz is difficult! I thought walking behind slow walkers was frustrating.

I would now like to turn your attention to the face I’m making when I do these pushups. Does anyone else notice how my eyes are ROLLING BACKWARDS INTO MY HEAD?! That’s unacceptable. That’s got to be some subconscious sign of an impending zombie apocalypse. So embarrassing. It’s bad enough that I do it the first time, but I continue to do so every push-up repetition. Yes, it is true that Shane-aynay told me to isolate a point in front of me and focus on it as a means of holding my push up form. I didn’t know that I had chosen the tips of my eyelashes. I mean WHAT IS THAT?! Hating self.

Then there was the farmer’s walk. I’m not sure why I’m smiling in this part of the video; I was not happy. I had to carry 30 lbs dumbbells 270 meters, and I was told there would be consequences if I had to put them down. I put them down, and it only cost me five squat thrusts each time. Not so bad. Carrying those weights, however, proved to be torture. I didn’t know that forearms could get sore. I DIDN’T KNOW! Now I know, and I never want to do that again.

So at the end of the video is a little surprise. Well, it was a surprise for me anyway. Shane actually has complements, and he seemed to have faith in my ability to train. As much as we sass each other, and though I think he’s a sadist, it really meant a lot to me to hear what he said. I understand that inner strength and mental agility are what I’m supposed to rely on during my journey to Sparta, but Shaneiqua’s faith in me (he doesn’t know that this part is on the video) has become one of my driving forces. I understand the appeal of community-based training and Spartan Race teams. Sometimes it just takes someone to tell you what you’re capable of before you try to prove that to yourself.

P.S. Please just disregard everything I said in front of THE WALL. So embarrassing.